VOLLEYBALL's MY THANG;

THE RED STRING TIES THE KNOT OF EVERLASTING LOVE

Monday, October 20, 2008

today, i discovered something... i lie... i've got to the worst feeling ever is the feeling after u've found out u've been lied to... it sucks... when i realised, i felt like my world just collapsing on me... i didnt know what to do... i just felt like history repeating itself... this time, not with eugene but with andy... i just wanted to go crazy... my heart ached so much i just wanted to rip it out... i guess i over reacted... but if i didnt love him would i feel this way? if i didnt care would i feel this way? but somehow, it seems that to him, it's a small matter... i guess i cared too much... like i always do in every relationship... the worst part is acting like i'm fine after that... when i went for my chemistry paper, each 10min my mind would drift to that matter... and my heart would ache again... i have to convince myself that it's ok and everything will be alright... i cant turn to him for comfort like i did last time... i just dont feel like he really tries to understand anymore... the feeling of each time telling him i want to break up and then he tells me things would get better and actually knowing that i would not and still have to lie to myself that it will... i just getting more and more unbearable... sometimes, i ask myself, does he still love me?? even though he says he does, but it doesnt show... i just feel that maybe his friends make him happier than i do... and i've tried my best already... what else can i do?? i really dont know what to do anymore... i feel like i have done all i could... i just have to sit back and wait for the day he tells me he doesnt love me to come, so i can finally stop living in self denial... my sister in law, told me i dont have to bare with this... i could just walk away right now... maybe i could... i've tried many times, but he just keep pulling me back...

now it has come to this extend that when he doesnt message me, i just tell myself he's asleep... right now at this point, i really just want to hear his voice to make me feel better, but i know he's in chalet enjoying himself and i dont want to disturb him... i have to convince myself that he's over there thinking of me too and not getting close with ~~~~... but how am i suppose to do that?? after the lie... i hate lying to myself... but it's the only way i could feel better... i wonder why when he's with his friends, not sleeping is not a problem... but when with me, he always wants to sleep?? am i that boring? i dont want to keep on lying to myself like this... at this point of my o levels, i really need him... but i guess i cant be so selfish... i've got to stay strong!

i dont know even if i talk to him now, will he even listen?? just so much emotions all at once, i really cant handle this... i just want the guy that used to be so nice, gentle and patient with me back... i remember how he used to be so sweet... i miss those breakfast, i miss those hugs, i miss those eyes that used to tell me he will always be there for me, i miss the way he always did the best for me, i miss those laughters, i miss those times he used to say i was his world, i miss those times he used to say how much he liked the way i did things... i miss everything.... things can never get back to how they were...

so i've decided, i'm going to be prepared for anything... and i will trying to make this the last time i cry for him... if he doesnt need me anymore, i'll just stand aside... if he needs me, i'll try my best... but during this period of time, i'm going to help myself to focus lesser and lesser on this relationship and help myself to walk away strongly one day.... but before that, i just really want to see him treat me the way he did last time.... just one day.... please.....

sorry for this total emo post... but i really can hold it in my much longer... so i really have to let it out...

sometimes, i wish i had my life i had last time back... those volleyball times... when everything was so simple... i only had to worry about not playing well... with all the vb girls....coach.... vb boys.... training together were just so amazing... it's beyond description... i was much happier then... if i had a choice i would choose the life back then... all those people in my life then were so nice... this is the first time, i think if i had a choice all over again, i would choose friendship over relationship...

yesterday, eugene told me to stay happy... those simples words could go a long way... i really did feel better that at least someone cared... he didnt really have to do anything... by just saying that, i was reminded of the times i was truly happy... that i smiled almost at everything... sara used to tell me that a smile is always on my face.. but now, no more... i seem to be crying all the time... why???

AH!!! i just want everything to go back to how it was... if it takes not even knowing that andy exist i dont mind... i just want to go back to the past... please...............................

receive, set, spike;

11:57 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

MARY SEAH ♥

i am 10cm and 184kg. HAHA
(:
I want to find the end of the rainbow

contact:
email:
maryseah@hotmail.com

MY CITTER CHATTER

Plurk.com

BYEBYE

GUOWEI! DEBORAH!!
YE LUN!
XUETING=)))
QIANHUI=)))
QINXIN=)))
SHIXIN=)))
HUILING!!
JIALING!!