He told me the truth finally after 7 plus months of our break up... all my questions were answered last night... no more question marks.... and all the answers were what i wanted to hear... maybe that is why regret's overwhelming me... i hate myself for being so rash... he has been true to me all this while but i chose to believe someone else... that sucks... so it's more like i've let him down... mary! what were u think ah?? seriously.... 

What could've been just overwhelms me... he didnt like another girl! he didnt get another girl's number at all! he was still true to me... i let him down... argh... too late for regret.... the feeling just sucks.... to know that it has all been misunderstandings... if not, maybe now, my story would have had a totally different plot... 

4:53 PM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

oh ya.... i was watching this tv commercial yesterday... it was like this race of teenagers with down syndrome... and then this boy fell down and the rest just ran back and helped in... and crossed the finish line hand in hand... it's so comforting to see things like this... shows that there's still good left in this world, despite the people who take joy in others' agony... 

I've got to stress that i love America's next top model! they're just so so hot! haha... i would kiss any of them... haha... that's how hot they are alright... Australia's next top model is also not bad... but the americans are more attractive to me... maybe cause they're more mature looking... haha... they have like killer bodies and facial features! gosh... just amazing... honestly, i find caucasians more attractive than asians... although i'm an asian myself, but caucasians just look good... their hair and skin is just great... and i love it that they're just so opened about everything... they're like " alright, i'm a bitch! so what? i'm one and i'm gonna continue being one and showing it to u... i dont care if u even have a problem about it"  i know that's mean but i'd rather be friends with someone who's true, honest and straight forward rather than some who doesnt like u but doesnt show it.... it's just less suspicion.... 

Andy looks so cute when he was a baby! what happen?! haha... kidding... just as cute now... here are some pics of him... so cute... hehe...

12:03 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

Woah... i was studying.. yes, the word is studying! haha... 

11:59 PM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

ok... i know... not very glamorous pictures... my face looks distorted in each picture... but it's so fun taking this kind of pictures....hehe!

it kinda dawned  upon me today that andy and i are reaching half a year in like a very short while's time... it's like my longest relationship and i'm really so happy! he just seems like 'the one'... i know... that sounds cheesy... but it's so true... i'm just so glad we're proving to ourselves and others that we can do it... it was never an easy road... so many heartaches... yet, we understand each other so much more... and i really thank God so much for him... like andy said, our relationship is BUILT TO LAST! yeah man! haha... while i'm getting to know him more and more, i'm starting to love him more and more as well... it's really so comforting waking up each morning knowing there's someone out there u love so much and loves u back... it just feels so good being by his side... 

there were so many times that the both of us just wanted to slap each other in the face or pinch the hell out of the other person... and sometimes we actually did that... but after that, we always return into each other's arms where comfort is always found... hehe...i must be the luckiest girl on earth! 

And it's really so important to learn to forgive... if we didnt know how to forgive, andy and i will never be here today... we've done so many things to hurt each other and said things that were so mean... but how could we grow stronger without trials right... hehe... i'm slowly learning to give in more... i really need to do that... like i promised myself, history aint gonna repeat itself... andy has definately been so much more patient with me... and he really has given in so much to me... where to find a guy like him right... hehe... i'm happy!!

i'm not saying that there wont be any problems in the future... i'm sure there'll be more to come... and i'll start crying and whining again... but there are no problems how are we suppose to grow stronger right?? hehe... so bring it on! i'm not scared!! ok... maybe i am... but we'll pull through it together! right sweetie?? hehe....

7:52 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

hello! went with andy to church today... and they when andy sent me home, apparently, he bumped into my dad... when i went home, i was like freaking out about what my dad will say cause's he's never mentioned accepting andy as my boyfriend and i was so scared he would freak out and scold me but instead he said " he see me why never call me ah" hehe.... at least that's a good start... and yesterday my dad was asking about him and his family... so at least he's interested.... my mum, sis and sister in law seem to like andy... and that's a great thing... haha.... oh, and so does samuel and chloe... those two kids likes him alot... haha.... 

anyways, my dad was talking to me just now about relationships and he said that in a relationship, things never get more beautiful, it only get more challenging... what's beautiful is that even after knowing more and more of that person's flaws, the both of u are still in love... aw... isnt that just sweet! really makes sense... haha... if someone cant except your flaws, that person just doesnt deserve to be loved by u! yeah... and i was reading the papers about women who stuck with they huddy even after getting cheating by them... i just admire them so much... it much have been really hard on them... but they stuck with their husbands even after their husbands slept with other women or even prostitutes or strippers!... just amazing... my hats off to them....

i wanted to post some pictures today... but i'm lazy to to transfer it to my com so i'll just post it later.... this is a really nice song... andy made a video with this song for me... hehe... so sweet right... built to last, by melee....

2:13 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

Hey people! i'm back! as a much happier person actually.....

first, about o levels paper... chemistry was surprisingly manageable... geography paper was alright, quite good actually.... english was ok... could have been better is so many things didnt happen at that point... math was probably the worst... i couldnt finish! haiz..... oh well, at least there's still paper 2 to save my ass...

then andy, hmmm... i've got to say things got better... he's treating me quite well, it's just that all those hurts have been done, and i'm someone who'll always remember... i forgive but i never forget... it's hard to... but i'm trying... sometimes i just keep asking myself what have i done to deserve this.... haiz... but it's all the past now... he's back... and he's honestly treating we well... that, i'm really thankful....

i went to guo wei to eat subway ytd... haha... we were like crapping and talking... and it was fun... it's been long since it's like this between us... let bygones be bygones... and i think that's what friends are suppose to be like, we forgive each other when we make a mistake and help that person to move on... and not condemning the faults of the person.... that's what friends are for... staying by that person's side... yes, we may be really mad... but after some dao-ing, complaining, attitude....we're still back to who we are as friends... u may not forget what that person has done to u but forgiving is very important... God first forgave us when we were sinners... so what give us the rights to condemn a fellow sinner and not forgive that person for his mistakes? it may take awhile to forgive, but trying is the best stepping stone... this, andy and i both agree... 

Both of us are really hot tempered people! when we're angry we just scream, scold and show attitude... but after all is said and done, we forgive... we may hate each other for that few minutes, but after that, love conquers all... like i said, forgive and forget is really not easy at all! for me, i forgive but i never forget... which is something i've got to work on... but honestly, i really dont think it's really important to forget, because, from each experience, we learn something, and by forgetting it's as good as not learning anything right... haha...

We're all still young and we've got so much more to learn... i've made some mistakes and choices which i'll regret for the rest of my life... but i learn from it and tell myself i'm not going to make the same mistakes again... but obviously, i still do at times, but it's lesser... 

One thing i think that a person should NEVER do is to make fun of someone else's sexuality and religion... i personally think that a person's sexuality is only to be judged by God and himself... no one else.. we never know when that person is going through... regardless if that person is a homosexual, trans-sexual, bi-sexual or plain straight.... that person may be going through a hard time and we'll never know... do not criticize someone before knowing the full story... no one wants to be a homosexual and be out casted by other people...  that person did not go "oh i shall be homosexual cause i feel like it!" ..but i myself have not too much idea about that too actually... maybe some people do but i know majority of them dont... 

and religion... very sensitive issue here... no one, even u yourself, do not have the right to judge religion or God... regardless if u're a christian, Buddhist, taoist, muslim, hindu or any other religion, no one should criticize... i've been brought up as a christian my whole life and i believe in it... although sometimes, i lack the faith... and i've not a very good testimony at all to people around me... but that aside, i never knew anything about other religions till i met andy... he told me about his religion and i've learned to respect every religion cause i realised that all religions teach about things that are a little similar and that is to be a better person and be a blessing to people around u... and no religion would ever teach u to be a bad person... although i dont really understand everything, but andy and i have this mutual respect that we allow each other to talk about our religion to each other and we listen... i think that's just so important when u're in a relationship with someone of a different religion... that way, we understand each other so much better....

haha... so here's the end of my long long post! tata~~~~~

8:21 PM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

TO XUETING BAOBEIII!!!

THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR CONCERN... MESSAGE ME FROM CHINA.... HEHE... I'M OK LE.... THINGS BETWEEN ANDY AND I ARE STARTING TO WORK OUT AGAIN.... HE'S REALLY NICE TO ME AGAIN... HEHE.... COME BACK SOON K..... LOVE YOU!

6:51 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

at least things are better today.... at least he hugged me made me feel much better.... feels good to be in his arms again...

5:46 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

today, i discovered something... i lie... i've got to the worst feeling ever is the feeling after u've found out u've been lied to... it sucks... when i realised, i felt like my world just collapsing on me... i didnt know what to do... i just felt like history repeating itself... this time, not with eugene but with andy... i just wanted to go crazy... my heart ached so much i just wanted to rip it out... i guess i over reacted... but if i didnt love him would i feel this way? if i didnt care would i feel this way? but somehow, it seems that to him, it's a small matter... i guess i cared too much... like i always do in every relationship... the worst part is acting like i'm fine after that... when i went for my chemistry paper, each 10min my mind would drift to that matter... and my heart would ache again... i have to convince myself that it's ok and everything will be alright... i cant turn to him for comfort like i did last time... i just dont feel like he really tries to understand anymore... the feeling of each time telling him i want to break up and then he tells me things would get better and actually knowing that i would not and still have to lie to myself that it will... i just getting more and more unbearable... sometimes, i ask myself, does he still love me?? even though he says he does, but it doesnt show... i just feel that maybe his friends make him happier than i do... and i've tried my best already... what else can i do?? i really dont know what to do anymore... i feel like i have done all i could... i just have to sit back and wait for the day he tells me he doesnt love me to come, so i can finally stop living in self denial... my sister in law, told me i dont have to bare with this... i could just walk away right now... maybe i could... i've tried many times, but he just keep pulling me back... 

now it has come to this extend that when he doesnt message me, i just tell myself he's asleep... right now at this point, i really just want to hear his voice to make me feel better, but i know he's in chalet enjoying himself and i dont want to disturb him... i have to convince myself that he's over there thinking of me too and not getting close with ~~~~... but how am i suppose to do that?? after the lie... i hate lying to myself... but it's the only way i could feel better... i wonder why when he's with his friends, not sleeping is not a problem... but when with me, he always wants to sleep?? am i that boring? i dont want to keep on lying to myself like this... at this point of my o levels, i really need him... but i guess i cant be so selfish... i've got to stay strong!

i dont know even if i talk to him now, will he even listen?? just so much emotions all at once, i really cant handle this... i just want the guy that used to be so nice, gentle and patient with me back... i remember how he used to be so sweet... i miss those breakfast, i miss those hugs, i miss those eyes that used to tell me he will always be there for me, i miss the way he always did the best for me, i miss those laughters, i miss those times he used to say i was his world, i miss those times he used to say how much he liked the way i did things... i miss everything.... things can never get back to how they were...

so i've decided, i'm going to be prepared for anything... and i will trying to make this the last time i cry for him... if he doesnt need me anymore, i'll just stand aside... if he needs me, i'll try my best... but during this period of time, i'm going to help myself to focus lesser and lesser on this relationship and help myself to walk away strongly one day.... but before that, i just really want to see him treat me the way he did last time.... just one day.... please.....

sorry for this total emo post... but i really can hold it in my much longer... so i really have to let it out... 

sometimes, i wish i had my life i had last time back... those volleyball times... when everything was so simple... i only had to worry about not playing well... with all the vb girls....coach.... vb boys.... training together were just so amazing... it's beyond description... i was much happier then... if i had a choice i would choose the life back then... all those people in my life then were so nice... this is the first time, i think if i had a choice all over again, i would choose friendship over relationship... 

yesterday, eugene told me to stay happy... those simples words could go a long way... i really did feel better that at least someone cared... he didnt really have to do anything... by just saying that, i was reminded of the times i was truly happy... that i smiled almost at everything... sara used to tell me that a smile is always on my face.. but now, no more... i seem to be crying all the time... why??? 

AH!!! i just want everything to go back to how it was... if it takes not even knowing that andy exist i dont mind... i just want to go back to the past... please...............................

11:57 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

alright.....so my chemistry paper is tomorrow! great.... haiz.... i'm studying... now just taking a quick break.... i just broke down yesterday night... haiz.... just felt like my family is expecting os much from me... too much... argh... luckily, andy was there to comfort me... so that made me feel much better.... thanks sweetie....

And i realise that counter strike is a really good game to distress...haha....

i think, if my drawing werent so bad, i would consider being a designer... i love sketching all type of clothes...for all types of women and men... but still, it's just another of those dreams that will never ever come true... haha... oh well....

the models in america's next top model cycle 11 are so hot! seriously... i think this season have the hottest girls... my favs are elina, analeigh and sheena... i think clark was hot but she is out already... and i like her personality... although she's bitchy but i love it the way she's so confident about herself! oh... and marjorie's body posture is great too!!

7:53 PM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

I'm sitting here, and rotting... haha... no exactly...

i was actually studying chemistry... see, i actually STUDY!

i realise that some people are actually nice in one way or another... really... and that's very comforting to know... but there are people whom are out there to make many people turn against someone they dont like... hmmm... i shall not even start on those kind of people...

i want to be a model!! haha.... a plus size, under-height model!! haha.. if there's even such a thing... a girl can dream right... models are all tall, slim, pretty and high fashioned.... they look gorgeous in anything... but what people want is reality.... it doesnt mean u have to be pretty, tall, slim to be beautiful... girls want to wear clothes they will look good in and not a piece of garment that looks good on a stick sized model which looks good in almost anything.... but hey, designers want their garments to look good, so they will continue choosing skinny tall and pretty models... dam.... 

i'm not gonna sound all mushy and say that it's what's in the inside that counts.. but i must say it's a compliment of both... i may be short... but hey, good things come in petite sizes....TAKE THAT! 

6:56 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

O LEVELS IS COMING!!!! ah..... haha.... anyways, andy and i are ok now.... haha... i guess each time we quarrel we always end up getting back on good terms after awhile... and that's a good good thing.....

i'm going to miss my classmates.... all the times spent were wonderful!

these are the people i got to get particularly close to...

KEIKO>> where to start?? haah... sadly we only got closer around mid of this yr.... but u're really a great friend.... thank u so much for all the time u've helped me, even by lending a listening ear.... u're so funny and we share so many things in common... esp in the way our relationship is going... i love your drawings cause i always get to see more than what appears to be... i really think u have so much talent in that.... and most of all, it's hard to find a friend that's real, always there to give her honest opinions... and u're that one... thank u...

GUOWEI>> 4yrs of friends, our friendship is like s roller coaster... sometimes we're closer,  while others times we're not.... but all in all, u're always going to be remembered cause of the up and downs we went through together... and i'll always remember the time that u lent me ur shoulder to cry on when i broke up with eugene... and ur hug whenever i'm sad....

JEREMY>> u're just so mature now!! haha... i guess i can take some credit right?? hehe... anyways, your advices are so good... honestly, i really enjoy talking to u and it's good knowing that u're having a good relationship with God.... and thanks for always reminding me to pray whenever there's a problem and your phrase"God allowed it to happen so it's going to be ok"....

SARA>> u're such a strong girl... seriously, u take criticisms well and u're definitely a very very good friend.... u're always able to forgive... although u come out harsh at times but in the end, u put aside the grudges and lend a help hand... it's really great knowing u... 

NIC TEO>> The one thing i want to say is.... I'M YOUR SUNSHINE!!!!

i always believe that all u need is 1 true friend... and i'm lucky to have more than that... they really brighten up my secondary school life!

5:33 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

Everything's ok now.... yay.....

5:32 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

what happens when....

TRUST>>>> GONE!

SECURITY>>>> GONE!

PASSION>>>>GONE! 

HAPPINESS>>>>GONE! 

LOVE>>>> ????

what do i do when it has come down to this point... i'm holding on to a string that's gonna snap any moment... i dont know what to do next... i'm just so tired of everything... i told myself to look on the bright side, but what bright side is there to look at now....

people always say there is a fine line between love and hate... now i understand what they mean... now i know that i cannot cry in his shoulder or show him how hurt i am inside cause he wont understand... i know it's not his fault... he's just like that.... i've always tried to help him each time i can... but he just finds that i'm not doing enough... does my face just write words like "lie to me"... why now?? i thought i could trust u... nowadays no matter how hurt i am inside i cannot show him, cause he wont be able to make it any better... the hurt has been done...

singing has always been my passion and i sing when i'm happy... but today i heard something so hurtful and never thought it would come from him.... but it did... i felt like bursting out in tears but i know i could not... cause i know he wont make it better... and then, while going home, i found out he lied to me about something... i was cursing inside why did i have to find out... i'd rather not know and just lie to myself... the feeling of that, really killed me... but i promise myself that i'll keep smiling no matter what.... he didnt cheat on me or anything, but the lie just hurt as much... i guess they're just all the same.... it still hurts...so should i just walk away now?? at least that's what i'm doing... 

he says he loves me... but why all those words and lie... but he still thinks he's not in the wrong... maybe it is my fault... a girl like me... what do i expect?? maybe i caused him to be like that... and i have hurt him before too... so i'm not much better... i'm probably just as bad....

dont get me wrong, he can be really nice to me... and he's a nice guy... but i think it's just that fate brought us together and now it's bringing us apart... no one's fault....

i'm not going to cry... i'm going to stay strong and smile.... cause yuxi told me" dont cry cause it's ended but smile cause it happened..." i'm going to do just that.... 

he's my hurt, he's my pain, he's my tears, yet, he's my fairytale, he's my miracle, he's my joy and most of all he's still my treasure...

It was a beautiful dream.... i just have to wake up now..... i'll always remember how happy i was the day i lost my heart to u... 

5:16 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

In life, somehow, it seems that nothing lasts forever... friendships that seems so strong just goes down the drain.... i used to believe that true friends will be here to stay but now i realise that for some of them, they just end up walking away after finding someone else...

i was talking to keiko yesterday and there are some things that she made me realize about my other friend... actually our other friend.... the 3 of us used to be so close but now, keiko and i have drawn apart with him... why?? isit because of new friends he made? i really dont know... but i'm just hurt when i saw another message his friend sent him... haiz... oh well.... nothing lasts forever... somehow, it seems that keiko and i are now pulling away from him... which is sad... cause this was a friendship i really treasured alot... it feels almost like a break up.... haiz...

anyway, i havent been blogging a long post for ages...o levels is coming.... and i'm STUDYING! yes... like i was just doing math.. haha... cool... i've already told myself that no matter what happens in my relationship, i'm not going to let it affect my life...

dont get me wrong, i have a good boyfriend... but sometimes, we're just so different.... i guess we will have to overcome all these... but this is not the time to do it... i'm actually quite frustrated already... so, aiya, we'll see....

but at least this relationship was not as shaky as the one with eugene... i'm still quite happy with andy.. we have alot of fun... we always play 'ji ko pa' on the bus, so exciting! haha....

sometimes, in life, we just have to look at the good side of everything cause if we choose to look at the bad side, we'll be miserable! so here are some great things in my life!

>>andy's here to brighten up my day..

>> keiko's always here to share her thoughts and lend a listening ear...

>> jeremy's always able to hear my out and give me advices...

>> i have wonderful and understanding teachers! esp, miss tan wen yi....

>> i have a family...

>> i have a really cute niece and nephew who cheer me up...

>> my classmates are just rockin'

>> i can play volleyball!

>>my volleyball teammates are not only my teammates, but my good friends!

see, i have a good life when i look at the good part!

8:22 PM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

I promise myself that he wont get to see the tears i cry.... never again...

7:06 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D

YEAH! FIVE MONTHS AND 2 DAYS! hehe....seriously, time flies... it seemed like sometime ago that andy and i just got together and now, we've passed 5 months... yeah yeah... round of applause... anyways, i just realise something... when andy and i are together, there's only one word to describe us, RETARDED! haha... we do alot of silly stuff... haha... the pictures say it all....

12:59 AM

WHY?
volleyball! :D